Today was a LONG day!

I left the house for the hospital this morning at about 8.05am.  I had a pre-surgical appointment at 9am and a consultants appointment at 9.30am.  The short story is: pre-surgical were running late AND that appointment takes approximately an hour anyway, so they re-booked me for 2.30pm.  I saw the consultants registrar who told me they had seen something 'else' suspicious on my MRI scan and were sending me back to ultra sound and possibly biopsy, which meant I STILL wouldn't have any results until about Thursday, but it wasn't looking good.  I'm cutting it all short as I'm very tired this evening and really need to relax, but that whole experience took a long time and stressed me out more than I can explain in words! 

Thankfully (Praise God!) I went for the ultra sound and they thought my second suspicious lump was probably a cyst, so they did a needle aspiration and indeed drained it - immediate panic (mine, not theirs) over. :)

I eventually got my pre-surgical assessment, after time out to shop for my mums birthday on Thursday, some meds as I have a bacteria on my skin swabs to clear up before surgery day and FINALLY got back home, very tired, very stressed, but back on track with hopefully the news that we wanted - That surgery will be on Monday, hopefully a lumpectomy and some lymph glands for testing and possibly home the same day?  And then will be recovery, results, radiotherapy and whatever else they recommend depending on what they find.

Photo of the day is one of my pre-surgery assessment that D.H. took and put on Facebook before I'd even left the room! LOL.

Thank you so much for all the support you've all given me.  I do appreciate it and it brightens my days no end.  I'm so sorry that I haven't had the time to get back to so many of you, I feel awful about it. I hope you'll forgive me.

Until next time
Much Love
Bev. xx

Weekend Bonding and Journal Stuff

I've spent this weekend doing a workshop led by Steve Crabb on Success with my older brother.  It was extremely well presented and thought provoking and I got to spend two days of quality time with my brother, which I haven't had the opportunity to do in a long time, so it's been a productive and happy experience all round, although now I'm worn out to begin the week! lol.

I'm also at the beginning of an online art journaling course at Wild Precious Studio called Elements, which I'm taking to try and inspire me to journal more often and hopefully help in some way to work  through my feelings and experience with my current illness.

This is the 1st page that I've finished working with the element 'Earth' and relationship to my body.

For the coming week, I have an appointment with my consultant on Tuesday morning to discuss how deep my cancer is and whether or not it's spread.  I also have a pre-surgical appointment to discuss my surgery (obviously) and any risk associated with it.

I think that's about all the news for now? My brain is tired now and fighting with me to concentrate, so I'll wish you all pleasant dreams, hoping you've had a happy and blessed weekend and I'll catch up again with you in the week.

Sweet Dreams

Bev. x

Hospital Visits and Art

Good Evening.  Firstly I'd like to thank everyone that signed up recently to follow my blog in different ways and the love and support I've had on facebook from so many.  I've been overwhelmed by how kind everybody has been - Thank you, it means so much and helps make the days so much more bearable.

I'm also sorry that as yet I haven't replied to so many, I've found my life has transformed into an almost never ending circle of hospital visits and catching up with friends and family as well as the normal everyday round of housework, shopping, cooking, etc. etc.  I'm already exhausted LOL!  I can only imagine how I will feel once my treatment begins.

Today I had to go to the hospital to have my MRI scan to determine how large and deep my tumour is and if my cancer has spread or not.  Now again I  have to wait until Tuesday for the results of that.  I'm not the worlds best 'waiter' lol.

My doctor gave me some Valium for the MRI scan as I have a dreaded fear of being enclosed and just the thought of it had freaked me out.  The nurses are all so kind and patient.  I was quite proud of how brave I was being and what a warrior I was, until I came out to see a child of about 10, who had lost his hair to chemo and was standing with a happy smile for me waiting for his turn! Life has a habit of bringing reality sharply home to you sometimes.

My apologies for the lack of photos at the moment, I have to admit to being easily bored if things don't have pictures to look at lol, however I haven't found image appropriate content the last few days?

I've found my current situation to have had a plus side already, something to perhaps be grateful for.  My art is a powerful release in my life and recently I've done very little, I've been 'stuck' somehow, with few glimpses of inspiration and doubts about if I ever make anything that can be considered 'good enough' (for 'what' exactly I'm not sure?)  Anyway recently I've signed up for some on-line classes that I'll try to link to later, when I have a working brain cell to try and figure it out.  I'm slightly concerned that I've put my name down for about 5 courses that all start around the same time and will come in time with the beginning of my treatment.  Maybe that was a little optimistic?  But I tend to be an all or nothing person anyway and the courses are mostly self paced, so I'm hoping it will be a blessing and not something to stress about.  I've already found though that my creative side is 'speaking' to me more clearly and that, I love!

My Thanks again to you all, your presence means the world to me and I really hope and pray you'll pop in and stay a while with me occasionally and perhaps I'll get to know some of you so much more over time.

Love and Blessing to you all
Bev. x

This time I DO have a good excuse!

I've not done too well so far with keeping current on my blog.  I'm by nature a 'real book' person.  By that I mean, I never really got on with electronic organizers, I'd rather write in a filofax.  I don't really enjoy reading books on-line or on any 'device' - I'd rather have strokable, turnable pages, that I can mark with real pens and I never really took to the blog, I'd rather journal and glue my ticket stubs somewhere, so I've had a real challenge even trying to remember sometimes I have a blog!  For anyone that is patient enough to actually follow me, I'm sorry.

Anyway, now I do finally have something to write about.  Is that a good thing?  I guess we can only answer that with the wisdom of being able to see the 'big picture' or with hindsight.

I found out on Thursday 6th October that I have Breast Cancer!

Now anybody that knows me, would tell you that I'm a born pessimist and a bit of a panicer, so you'd imagine that I'd be beside myself with worry or grief or something?  So far that hasn't happened.  Maybe this is so big my head has shut down?  I really don't know?  I feel sometimes like a bit of a fraud when I say "I have cancer".  I think: "That's a bit dramatic" like I just made it up or something, then I have to remind myself it actually IS true!

I have an MRI scan on Thursday this week, to determine how big and deep this thing is and also whether or not it's spread.  I'm guessing once I find out and then have surgery of some kind and start treatment, somewhere along the line the reality of this nightmare may sink in?  For today it hasn't yet.  I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not?

Anyway, as you see, my blog has taken one of those unexpected crossroads in life and I guess this will be focused a lot on my journey with cancer.

Just for Today, Thankfully I still feel well and I've made a journal (a real strokable one!) to art and write and scream, cry, celebrate - whatever, the days ahead.  I'm planning to be sharing that journey, as much as I'm able, here also.

Hang around, say Hi, share the ride, pick me up when I fall, I'd value the friendship. Let's not face this world alone.

And so begins - My journey with Cancer........

I made art

It's been a busy time and sometimes very hard emotionally as well, getting my head around being single again.  Plenty to sort out and new decisions to be made.  I've been trying to keep up with Kelly Rae's group that I joined but it's been hard work. I have to admit I am behind.

However - I made art!  I can't remember the last time that I honestly had the energy or the motivation to get on and feed my creative spirit. I had a canvas with flowers on it that I bought at a car boot sale and I loved it, but it had a scratch in the middle of it and I always had plans to paint over it.  I've had it about two years and it never happened!  I actually nearly chucked it out once.  At last I got on and started (and finished) it.  I had some problems, the canvas has some kind of coating on it, I didn't realise that before I started painting, but as I was putting paint on, I was also pulling it back off again.  Still, after much trial, here is my new mixed media creation.

Here's to happy beginnings :)

Starting Over

No more excuses about why I haven't written in so long.  No more excuses full stop!

I'm in a transitional period of changes.  I'm starting over and if I'm honest I'm scared.  After much thought and hesitation and fear I signed up for Kelly Rae Roberts e-course Flying Lessons I'm enjoying it a lot although I have to admit, there's a LOT of information and I seem to have slipped behind a little already.  Plus Kelly gives you life time membership to a private facebook group of fellow students and I'm such a facebook addict!  I have always loved Kelly's work and I'm happy to be doing the course.  I'm hoping this may be a new beginning for me.

I have lots of 'new beginnings' happening, my husband (of 15 years) and I have just separated and I find myself alone again at 46, I have 2 of my 5 beautiful children still living at home, a grandson turning one in September and another due in November.  I'm currently in turmoil about whether or not to re-home 2 of my 3 beautiful fur babies as I had a scare with one of them needing treatment last month and I'm wondering if I can afford to give them the best anymore?  I also need to get a smaller, more economical car and until a few weeks ago I didn't even know how to put Diesel in it! And I'm wondering whether or not we should move to a house without a garden as I find mine too much to cope with alone.  So many choices!  Part of me thinks it's not the time for making big life choices, but life has a habit of going on whether you feel 'ready' for it or not.

I'm trying desperately to see all this as an exciting opportunity for change, when the fear inside me just wants to believe life as I know it is over and I need to curl up in bed.

I would love to make the effort to keep up with my blog, kick start my art, make some new friends, get up, brush off and move on.  Really - I need support, I need cheering on and some days, some minutes, I need lots of it.  Here's to new beginnings and the courage to let go of what is, to make room for what's waiting for me.

I'm hopeless - I apologise!

Yet again, I've been away from my blog far too long.  I'm sorry, I MUST learn to come here more often!
I'm sooooo excited, I have a new filofax! :D  My 1st EVER filofax!  My husband says I'm way more excited about it than is normal lol.  I LOVE it so much!  It's all pink and leathery - look!

I also made myself a new on-line friend :D  (truth be known I probably stalked her ruthlessly on youtube lol) but today she sent me a filofax starter kit as a gift!!!  How cool is that?! Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU Imogen! - Mwah!
Look at what I got!

The pink pen is limited addition and I wanted one SO bad, but couldn't find it anywhere near me :(  PLUS she sent me a matching pencil, some cute mini highlighters, sweetest ever coloured paperclips, filofax inserts, handmade To-Do lists, instructions how I can print my own, gorgeous moo cards, sooo many lovely things!  Thank you! Go visit her blog imysworld and see how cute she is! Or watch all her great videos at imysworld on youtube.  I'm sooo happy!
There's a few other things I've been up to lately that I want to share, but my kids are hungry and complaining so it will have to wait until a little later.  I promise to come back! ;)
Yay for new friends and filofax's :D  Thank you - Did I say?